Dear Ethel

I follow the political news in the US and Donald Trump’s running mate, JD Vance has caught my eye.

He’s a handsome, rogue-ish sort of scamp with solid shoulders and a voice that makes my ovaries throb. I’d certainly like to ride his chubby little face.

One thing I’d like to know though is where he gets his eyeliner. It’s the sort of look I like to go for when I’m out with the girls. I'd like to know how to replicate that 80's romantic look. Can you help?

Brenda Gunt, Nashville

Dear Brenda,

Yes, I certainly know what you mean about JD. In fact, I dreamt he had me over his podium the other night and when I woke up, my bedroom was like a swimming pool.

As for the eyeliner, I have heard that he orders it online from China to help with the US import figures. Sadly, I don’t know any more than that, other than he started wearing it when saw British 80s singer Adam Ant wearing it on telly. Good luck finding it and let me know if you find out,

Ethel x

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