Hospitals to start offering Intravenous Coffee Therapy

Hospitals across the nation are to start offering free Intravenous Coffee Therapy.

The therapy will be offered to those who can't do jack shit without a cup of coffee in the mornings.

A spokeswoman for the new therapy initiative told Grumpy Fuckers:

"Shit, I couldn't get out of bed this morning until my fella brought me a bucket of coffee. We've set up this new therapy to take advantage of the fact that millions can't function without caffeine and we are hoping to retire by the end of the year with the shitloads of money we're going to make from it. Patients will be able to come into hospital, get their shot of coffee straight into their arms and this will allow them to function all week without having to down a coffee." 

Trial users have expressed their deep joy at the therapy. Gordon Wundergunt told Grumpy Fuckers: 

"As soon as I got the hit, I went into a 15 minute orgasm. After that, I went and had a sit down because my head hurt but I was then able to function all week without having to get my coffee fix. It is a beautiful thing." 

Patients will be pumped with 20 pints of coffee in one sitting.