92% of population's happiness comes from gloating in other people's misfortunes

A large percentage of the population's happiness derives directly from gloating in other people's misfortunes.

The figure, published in a recent study, is an indicator that most people get on other people's tits.

Jessica Fuckwit who took part in the survey said:

"I went through my entire teenage years being a spotty, messy freak. Most of the other girls were beautiful and my mum kept telling me that my day would come. Twenty years later and all the beautiful girls that were in my class are now decrepit grandmothers while I am in full blossom. Seeing these girls moaning on Facebook about how many more fellas are going to leave them, or the fact that they're being turfed out of my house is music to my ears. My mum was right all along because most mums are."

Gary Gunt who also took part in the study said:

"Seeing other people having bad luck makes me feel better about my shitty life. Only yesterday, I saw a guy trip over a dog, smack his face on a lamp post and then get run over by a passing street cleaning machine. Oh how I laughed."