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What We Offer

fuck all wifi

Don't expect to come to our place and use up all our fucking wifi. Get your own.

books and newspaper

We don't provide books or newspapers. Bring your own.

weather

We're based in Wales where it always pisses it down. Bring your own umbrella.

merchandise

We will try and flog you some of our merchandise though. We've got bills to pay don't you know?

New flavours

We only do new flavours if we fuck up and burn something.

New locations

We're not opening any more stores so don't even ask about them.

events

We don't do events. We're just not 'people' people.

coffee shop

For hundreds of years, Ethiopia has provided some of the world's best reviewed single origin premium coffee beans. We don't use those. We use cheap shit.

music

We don't do music and we'd also prefer it if you didn't talk. Just drink your fucking coffee.

Our Brewing Guide

We don’t worry about doing things correctly. We just make stuff up as we go along. So if you’re wanting one of those fancy coffees that you get in other outlets, we suggest that you kindly fuck off there instead.

Our Head Barista

Meet our Head Barista, Clive Grimgrits, and find out why he was forced to open this shithole.

The Grumpy Fucker Story

Yes, it’s true. We don’t actually exist so please don’t come looking for us. It all started with a simple blog post that was published back in 2015.

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I flew all the way from the US to visit Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop and when I got there, the man said that they were closed and told me to fuck off.

Karen Dipshit

I visit Grumpy Fuckers some mornings when I can be arsed. The staff never speak to me and always burn my toast, even though I never ask for any.

John Grumblegunt

If you are looking for the finest coffee, the friendliest customer service and the best prices, you're probably best going somewhere else other than this shithole.

Lisa Treblebelly