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Our Shitty Menu

Standard Menu

  • Shitty Filter Coffee

    $1.99

    Lukewarm dishwater with a splash of cow juice
    Cheapest

  • Deluxe Shitty Filter Coffee

    $3.05

    Our shitty filter coffee comes served in a polystyrene cup and goes cold in 3 minutes flat
    Free stirrer included

  • Crappy Mocha

    $3.67

    Espresso with milk and a splodge of exterior wall paint

  • Cafe Vodka Valium Latte

    $4.79

    Got a day ahead of working with fuckwits? You need one of these fuckers

  • Cockswill Cappuccino

    $4.03

    Espresso and foam, expertly stirred with our barrista's own love length

  • Ashtray Latte

    $3.65

    Espresso and foam, lightly dusted with burnt cigarette dust

  • Iced Disinfectant Latte

    $3.92

    Espresso, milk, ice, and disinfectant flavor

  • Masticated Macchiato

    $2.54

    Espresso, vanilla-flavored syrup and milk, slightly eaten and spat back out

  • Fuck You Crappaccino

    $2.98

    Piss-poor espresso with milk and foam - if we can be arsed

  • Iced Caramel Shit Dab

    $4.67

    Espresso, milk, ice and a dab of shit
    New!

  • Stewed Tea

    $3.06

    Cup of tea with a teabag that's been left in it for a month

  • Tramp’s Cum Tea

    $2.60

    A super-weak cup of tea

Not-so-specials

  • Shit Sandwich

    $4.79

    Chunks of some animal that’s been dead for weeks, squished in between two bits of bread and shoved on a plate

  • Chernobyl Cheese On Toast

    $5.99

    Nuclear-disaster-inspired. Cheese on bread, burnt to fuckery
    Vegetarian

  • Fuck Knows What It IS Burger

    $6.79

    No one knows what it is. But we sell it

  • Chicken in a basket

    $7.49

    Literally a dead bird in a basket. Can be cooked for $10 extra

  • Dead cow’s arse sandwich

    $8.99

    Slices of dead cow's arse in between two bits of bread

  • Knuckle sandwich

    Free

    Piss us off enough and you'll get this delivered straight to your chops
    Vegan

  • Vegan Dust Bowl

    $5.99

    Dust. In a bowl. Because that's what they eat, right?
    Vegan

  • Cake

    $2.99

    A slice of whatever shit we can buy at the cash-and-carry last night

  • Deluxe vegan dessert

    $3.99

    Chopped apple on a plate
    Vegan