Alienum phaedrum torquatos nec eu, vis detraxit periculis ex, nihil expetendis in mei. Mei an pericula euripidis, hinc partem.

Our Shitty Menu

Standard Menu

  • Shitty Filter Coffee


    Lukewarm dishwater with a splash of cow juice
  • Deluxe Shitty Filter Coffee


    Our shitty filter coffee comes served in a polystyrene cup and goes cold in 3 minutes flat
    Free stirrer included
  • Crappy Mocha


    Espresso with milk and a splodge of exterior wall paint
  • Cafe Vodka Valium Latte


    Got a day ahead of working with fuckwits? You need one of these fuckers
  • Cockswill Cappuccino


    Espresso and foam, expertly stirred with our barrista's own love length
  • Ashtray Latte


    Espresso and foam, lightly dusted with burnt cigarette dust
  • Iced Disinfectant Latte


    Espresso, milk, ice, and disinfectant flavor
  • Masticated Macchiato


    Espresso, vanilla-flavored syrup and milk, slightly eaten and spat back out
  • Fuck You Crappaccino


    Piss-poor espresso with milk and foam - if we can be arsed
  • Iced Caramel Shit Dab


    Espresso, milk, ice and a dab of shit
  • Stewed Tea


    Cup of tea with a teabag that's been left in it for a month
  • Tramp’s Cum Tea


    A super-weak cup of tea


  • Shit Sandwich


    Chunks of some animal that’s been dead for weeks, squished in between two bits of bread and shoved on a plate
  • Chernobyl Cheese On Toast


    Nuclear-disaster-inspired. Cheese on bread, burnt to fuckery
  • Fuck Knows What It IS Burger


    No one knows what it is. But we sell it
  • Chicken in a basket


    Literally a dead bird in a basket. Can be cooked for $10 extra
  • Dead cow’s arse sandwich


    Slices of dead cow's arse in between two bits of bread
  • Knuckle sandwich


    Piss us off enough and you'll get this delivered straight to your chops
  • Vegan Dust Bowl


    Dust. In a bowl. Because that's what they eat, right?
  • Cake


    A slice of whatever shit we can buy at the cash-and-carry last night
  • Deluxe vegan dessert


    Chopped apple on a plate