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A 5-year-old dog has saved his owner from assassination by 13 postmen, 46 bin men and 103 cyclists in the last week with just his barking. Rufus has scared away would-be murderers from the house with his yapping and hollering. Owner Chris SmellyHouse told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’m so glad I bought him. I would have been murdered a hundred times over if it wasn’t for Rufus. I had a sneaky suspicion about the postie – every time he comes up my path, he’s...

A woman has burnt 600 calories talking about her new diet. Weightwatcher Gladys Thunderbuns said that the new diet replaces the old diet that she was doing last week. She told Grumpy Fuckers: "Last week's diet was rubbish. I was on it three days and only lost half an ounce. This new diet is wonderful. It mainly involves me talking about it to the point where I burn off calories. Yesterday, I went into work and talked about it for seven hours non-stop....

Scientists have successfully established a link between obesity and eating too much shit. The boffins concluded that eating too much shit makes you a fat fucker. Prof. Brian CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers: "We've finally established a conclusive link between obesity and eating shit. Of course, there are people who are overweight through no fault of their own. But for the vast majority of people, they are overweight because of the shit they stuff down their necks. Our study looked at the eating habits...

A man has risked having his bollocks ripped off by trying to talk to his wife before she's had her morning coffee. Richard Dunce attempted to converse with his wife about his job before wife Glenda had taken a sip of her coffee. Glenda told Grumpy Fuckers: "I couldn't quite believe what was happening. I hadn't even lifted the cup to my lips when he came in the room without a care in the world and started talking about his shitty job. My...

Motorists across the world are preparing to drive like arseholes ahead of International Drive Like a Dickhead Day this Monday. The day allows drivers to drive like complete arseholes, angering other normal motorists. Darren Dickface of the Arsehole Drivers Association told Grumpy Fuckers: "I can't wait! I've been practising my driving all week in anticipation of the day. I've been driving up people's arseholes, cutting people up and running them off the road. I think I'm really good at it now and I...