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Author: Clive Grimgrits

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News
16th August 2022

Cinema-goers have expressed their disappointment at the Groundhog Day sequel that premiered last night. Movie lovers have complained that Groundhog Day 2 is exactly the same as the original Groundhog Day movie. Film critic Bernie Bigballs told Grumpy Fuckers: "They're trying to fob us off with a sequel when in fact, Groundhog Day 2 is an exact replica of Groundhog Day 1. Even Bill Murray looks the same. It's the same film from start to finish. I'm so disappointed. I've waited nearly 30...

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News
9th August 2022

A 5-year-old dog has saved his owner from assassination by 13 postmen, 46 bin men and 103 cyclists in the last week with just his barking. Rufus has scared away would-be murderers from the house with his yapping and hollering. Owner Chris SmellyHouse told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’m so glad I bought him. I would have been murdered a hundred times over if it wasn’t for Rufus. I had a sneaky suspicion about the postie – every time he comes up my path, he’s...

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News
19th July 2022

A woman has burnt 600 calories talking about her new diet. Weightwatcher Gladys Thunderbuns said that the new diet replaces the old diet that she was doing last week. She told Grumpy Fuckers: "Last week's diet was rubbish. I was on it three days and only lost half an ounce. This new diet is wonderful. It mainly involves me talking about it to the point where I burn off calories. Yesterday, I went into work and talked about it for seven hours non-stop....

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News
12th June 2022

Scientists have successfully established a link between obesity and eating too much shit. The boffins concluded that eating too much shit makes you a fat fucker. Prof. Brian CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers: "We've finally established a conclusive link between obesity and eating shit. Of course, there are people who are overweight through no fault of their own. But for the vast majority of people, they are overweight because of the shit they stuff down their necks. Our study looked at the eating habits...

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17th May 2022

A man has risked having his bollocks ripped off by trying to talk to his wife before she's had her morning coffee. Richard Dunce attempted to converse with his wife about his job before wife Glenda had taken a sip of her coffee. Glenda told Grumpy Fuckers: "I couldn't quite believe what was happening. I hadn't even lifted the cup to my lips when he came in the room without a care in the world and started talking about his shitty job. My...

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News
2nd May 2022

Motorists across the world are preparing to drive like arseholes ahead of International Drive Like a Dickhead Day this Monday. The day allows drivers to drive like complete arseholes, angering other normal motorists. Darren Dickface of the Arsehole Drivers Association told Grumpy Fuckers: "I can't wait! I've been practising my driving all week in anticipation of the day. I've been driving up people's arseholes, cutting people up and running them off the road. I think I'm really good at it now and I...

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1st May 2022

People with shit handwriting have been told that it's possible that they have a higher-than-average IQ. Boffins at a local university have told Grumpy Fuckers that people whose handwriting is shit are more likely to be clever. Professor Timmy CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers: "We've all seen those doctors' prescriptions and I can't read those for shit. We decided to do some digging into this and it appears that these people are so fucking clever that their brains wire out and causes them...

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News
22nd April 2022

A leading scientist has discovered a hidden stomach in the human body, that allows people to eat desserts - even when they are full from eating a main course. David BoggleEyes made the discovery while out eating at a local restaurant. He told Grumpy Fuckers: "I was out having one of them eat-all-you-can meals down at the local Chinese when I met a friend who I haven't seen for a few years. The guy was a fat bastard and ate three main courses...

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23rd February 2022

Inspirational quotes posted by social media users cure up to 97% of cases of depression. Social media users who post inspirational memes are often viewed as experts in curing mental health disorders. One social media user told Grumpy Fuckers: "I was down on my luck. I was really having a hard time of things and I couldn't see a way out. Then I logged onto my social media account and saw something that one of my expert friends had posted. It was a...

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18th February 2022

Grumpy Fuckers across the world are demanding that social distancing rules should remain in place so that they don't have to talk to anyone in the future. Grumpy Fuckers have been quietly pleased with the social distancing rules as it has meant that they can keep the fuck away from other fuckers. Gary TwoSheds, President of the Worldwide Grumpy Fuckers Association said: "I've been more than happy with not having to speak to anyone. It's saved me having to cross the...