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Author: Clive Grimgrits

A woman has spent her entire day off work worrying about going back to work. Sally Gumboots spent the entire day with a horrible pit-of-the-stomach feeling about going back to work the day after. She told Grumpy Fuckers: "Tuesday is normally my day off but it never feels like a day off because I spend the entire day worrying about the fact that I have to go back to work on the Wednesday. It's doesn't feel like a day off. I'd like...

A new Government directive will give new powers to police to clamp down on people who are too happy in the mornings. Police will soon be able to taser happy morning people straight in the face from next month. A spokesman for the Police Federation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all had enough of this happy-in-the-morning shit from arseholes who really haven’t lived. They come whistling into work as if they’re the happiest arseholes on the planets when most of us are struggling to...

Jazz musicians across the world have admitted for the first time that they just play any old shit they want. The revelation comes after a local jazz festival was cancelled due to poor ticket sales. Festival organiser Jimmy FlangeLips told GrumpyFuckers: "We weren't selling many tickets and we were trying to find out why. We tried to get a bit of feedback from people and they mainly said that they couldn't sing along to the music because the musicians were playing a different...

Legendary porn film 'Debbie Does Phallus' has been banned for portraying plumbers as people who turn up on time. The film, which features Dennis ‘ThunderRod’ Muggins as The Plumber, was made in 2010 by the now defunct Welsh porn company, Tits and Sheep. But the US and UK governments have jointly taken the unprecedented step of banning the film, as it features a scene where the plumber turns up at a woman’s house when he said he would. Government spokeswoman Glenda Pencilskirt...

A university has finally proven that women don’t fart – they shoot tiny puffs of glitter that sound like unicorn’s laughter and smell like rainbows. Women’s farts have been the subject of debate since Shirley Bassey accidentally let one rip during a live performance at the Royal Variety Show. Spokesperson for Farting Women told Grumpy Fuckers: “Women have been given a rough time over the last 200 years. We all fart but women were always accused of floating air biscuits that smelt of...

An angry driver has managed to fit 34 curse words into one single sentence. Karl Wetcleft came out with the record-breaking outburst when some fucker pulled out in front of him quickly and then drove very slowly. Wetcleft told Grumpy Fuckers: "I was driving down the fucking street like I normally fucking do when this fucking fucker just pulled out on me like he was in some massive fucking rush. I fucking swore at him good and proper but when the fucker started...

Police are to be given new powers to taser people who use apostrophes incorrectly. The Government says that it's had enough of that shit and wants to clamp down immediately. A spokesman for the Government said: "We've had enough of this shit. Everywhere we go, we see apostrophes being used in the wrong context. It takes just a few minutes to learn the rules but people can't be arsed. It's a national disgrace. We have therefore passed new laws to allow our police...

Hate waking up in the mornings? Can't think of anything worse than getting out of your warm, cosy bed and going to work with complete assholes? You're in good company. In fact, over 100% of the world's population hate getting up and going to work. But before you get all grumpy about it, did you know that being grumpy is actually good for your health? Yes, it's true. Probably....